In pain with no gain

Sometimes in life we do foolish things. Well, perhaps more then sometimes. But, there are times when you really screw things up. And I mean really, really screw things up. I think I just did. I don't know how (but actually I did), I didn't know when (but actually I did), and I didn't know what would have happened if I did what I did (but actually I did). Alas, I did it anyway.

Today, I am feeling this gnawing pain. Rumbling deep in me. This feeling that I cannot, simply cannot shake. You know that feeling. The feeling of abandonment so bad, that you feel that the whole world has just went by you, and you are this insignificant little gnat. The feeling that one would wish that one never started something, that simply could not have an ending. Yes, this feeling often involves members of the opposite sex, either leaving you or leaving whatever it was that you had. Or didn't have. This feeling of inadequacy. This feeling of being dumped.

The single biggest pain of being a zed is the fact that the dichotomy of whom he is, and whom he has to be is so big that it would make Dr. Jekyll proud. I wonder if I can keep doing this. Keep this inner storm lying low and calm, while it brews within me not unlike a tsunami in waiting. The pain of having to swallow so much pride in a day, simply because of the walks of life, when all you want to do is shove everything back where it belongs (usually up a poor fella's rear end). I doubt this satirical lie can persist. I doubt that who I am, and whom I am being could coexist for very long. The stretch on sanity has taken its toll. My foolishness is making me inept.

Yes, I am quite convince now that I often write when misery visits. This time, I am also quite sure that this string of words and letters shall persists. Thanks to this blog, I am at least able to visit a side of me that for now lies dormant. While names and places are often missing, but hey the drama is the drama. String a few sonnets of lies in the rhythm of truth, everything is melodious.

I don't know. I say this a lot. And absolutely hates anyone who says I don't know. So often I do hate me. I would like to think that I should have known better. And often I do. We all do. Yet, down the slippery slope we go. Playing with fire. Fire that will consume.

And all we have to show for our pain... is more pain.

A new frontier

A long lost friend.

That is how this blog feels. It has been so long, yet everything seems so familiar when you get back in touch. All the nooks and crannies in the same places. All the idiosyncrasies right where they belong. I was commenting to a friend that I wasn't sure if I write better when I am depressed, or is it the act of writing that is making me depressed. Well, we'll find out soon enough.

Life has been a blessing these last few years. As everyone would say - so much has happened. Indeed. I have learned a lot, and perhaps it would even be fair to say that I am perhaps no longer the same person. I have been on the wagon for a while now. Alas, a small sacrifice compared to what I get to enjoy in return. Otherwise, I have also not been able to hang out as much. Age, job, and everything else is catching up.

So here I am.

This time, I hope to stay longer. To explore more words. More stories to be told. Much emotions to share. As always, I write simply because I find it fun. I only hope it is equally fun to read. Meanwhile, let's talk a bit about my favorite subject. Me.

I have been in several companies, started one, and am now running one. All in all, I can safely say that a good company is nothing more then a group of people driven to be the best they can. It is when the people within, makes a product that one can't do without - that a company thrives. It has been fun to develop this value. To use emotions like fear, hope, and shame to keep the ship in shape and ultimately to share the feeling that nothing is impossible if we all put our minds to it. I am dabbling in a few things nowadays. Sometimes, keeping my head above water is tough, but it is fun. Thrashing away learning how to swim is my life story.

It is time for me to stop. But only for now. We shall meet again. Soon. I hope.

Welcome MacBook Pro! And tightening of the belt...

Yup! My MacBook Pro has arrived. 

Biggest plus points?

1. The 15.4in screen and its graphics quality. The additional real-estate on the screen helps a lot!

2. The keyboard, it's so much better then the MacBook chicklets.

3. Backlighted keyboard, a nice feature to have when working on my bed (as-if!)

4. 250GB of storage! I was down to my last 15GB on my 120GB MacBook.

5. Not having to worry about a white keypad and palm-rest. Silver is the way to go.

6. The speakers sounds so much better.

Some minus points?

1. Naaaaaah... there's none! LOL.

Beyond my fetish for gadgets, not much is getting my attention nowadays. With my project about two months away to going live, the hustle and bustle of work seems to have drowned into a constant buzz, and no matter how crazy things are, I feel like I have achieved zen at work. Serenity surrounds calamity. I am at home in this chaos. In fact perhaps I actually need it. It's my fix to this predictable grind we all live in. 

I just got back from a trip down under, where we spent a week at Gold Coast, and what can I say? It was f-u-n! Away from it all, with our only worry being what ride to be on next, or where to go as every second is precious. The way I see it, life is good, only when it is good. Best to enjoy it while you can. The next drama, the next disaster are all just around the corner. 

So, how about the oil prices? Well, this blogger has only one opinion. It's global, it's everyone, and it's everywhere - stop blaming the government and start figuring out what to do next. Things are going to get bad, before it gets worst! It is inevitable, and no one knows how to fix it yet. In fact, no one seems to know what to fix even. It is just a big problem with a shadowy list of symptoms with no real head. So before things get worst, stop spending and start saving. Fast.  

Stretch the Ringgit, and yes, share the pea!

Poetry in Motion

Yes. Coming soon to a boy named Zed. The final toy that shall make the whole set complete. Coupled with the rest that Steve Jobs has to offer, this shall make the ride worth the traffic (literally!).

A big, big milestone to cross, but one that was definitely worth every step, every single drop of sweat and blood, and the undying cries of agony. A little bit dramatic, albeit when one reflects this to some extend is what it is all about after all. Worldly goods. Only the best, for the best.

So much for all the drama. I figured that since there isn't much to dwell on (or even write on!), I might as well share some thoughts on the next toy. I wonder if anyone is reading this stuff anymore heh heh.  Sheer driving pleasure, here I cometh.

TGIF

I have recovered. I feel good. Life is good. All is well. This feeling is precious!

I don't know, perhaps it's the knowing that it is the end of a long productive week, when all that could have been done is done and you feel satisfied that you've given it all you can. Or perhaps, it is that there were some nice good news here and there. All of which makes me a very happy man.

The journey continues. All I can feel is thankful, Alhamdullilah.

It's official. I need a break!

According to my iPod and Nike I ran a total of 330 km since February 2008. My top speed for a kilometer is 5.36 minutes per kilometer. The result is not great relative to the record holders on the Nike website, but compared to what I was able to do four months ago, heck it's amazing! Anyway, having lost about 6 kilograms and being able to now fit into my skinny pants - I should feel much better eh? Nope. I don't. 

This is when I concluded  what I really need to do. I need to get away from it all for a while. A long while. The drone and drudgery of the daily routine has taken a toll on me that I can no longer bear. You see the price one pays for being a "leader" is you really run out of people that you can bitch about work. I have about 50 "resources" reporting to me. That means 50 different type of problems I get to listen to. 50 different wants and needs. 50 different ways to motivate. Alas, 50 faces that is amalgamating into one big noisy crowd. I am no longer able to care. This is when I realized that perhaps enough is enough. 

So. Yours truly am now trying to invent a way out for a while. I haven't really figured it out yet, but I am sure I will be able to come out with something. A week off sounds good. I am sure with or without me life goes on. So it is time to put on the sandals, hang around the pool, read a good book, and just watch the days go by for a while.

Meanwhile, I shall have to endure a few more days of tormented reruns of this daily travail. Shucks.

Bored again?

Yup. The self destructive side of me is talking. It is boring when all is the same, and when all is well. I guess we can never leave good-enough alone. There is always something to tweak, tinker, and twiddle with. Now, 20 months into a long drawn project and about two years into being out on my own, life has started to have its own rhythm. The familiar hum is beginning to ring, alas here I am again on my blog, after a few months of nothingness. I made some small alterations to the blog. Lat is gone. It is a much simpler site now. Nothing fancy. Just me, my rants, and perhaps a note or two.

It has been almost 5 months since I moved to a MacBook. All I can say is that I was perhaps ten years too late. So much is so much better that to stick to good 'ol boring PC is depriving oneself of the few small pleasures in life. Seriously. Now, I am eyeing the MacBook Pro. For good reasons too! Simply because it has 2 extra inch in its screen real-estate. Yup. 2 inch, and I am thinking of shelving a good nine-grand for it. I must be bored!

A little bit of spice, and nothing nice

Ok, so I have pulled off an extended disappearing act. Lots can be blamed on, but basically it is just me. Just lost interest for a while as I adjust into my Mac world. The verdict? Absolutely, positively, definitely recommended!

A must, I must say.

If you're still rebooting, worried about viruses, and attempting to get the latest OS from good ol' PC aka Vista to actually work with all your apps - just stop now. Look at your credit balance, bank balance, and/or balance of family and friends that you can beg and borrow from. Then, start totaling up how much dough you can put together. If it hits RM 4,000.00, stop. Then pack you things, go to Mid-Valley and get yourself a MacBook.

And, yes you may thank me later.

Happy New Year to all, and stop with the resolutions already. Just do it.

An apple a day

You are looking at the new and proud owner of a MacBook. Having seen a few of my team mates getting infected by this new virus that wipes out the FAT on the hard disk, and resulting in an instant reinstall of everything and lost of all data – I felt that my investment is well justified. Of course I am just saying this to convince myself. The real reason I bought my MacBook is because it looks just so cool!

All white with a super friendly OS and minimal hassle about trying to tinkle here and there to make things work, along with built in software to manage photos and music, this boy is very happy. Anyway this is day 2 for me as a Mac user. I am waiting for my MS Office for Mac to arrive and then I shall have to figure out the MS Outlook transfers. Still debating on which to use, Mac’s or MS’. We shall find out later tonight.

My issue is I am an email power user. I get anything between 80 to 100 emails (work-wise no spam included), and send about 20 to 45 emails a day. Hence I have a huge email archive and I also use my email to track a lot of the activities happening around me. So the decision to migrate my emails into Mac’s email is a biggie. To be continued on this one.

So I have decided to live up a bit. I ran a very conservative year in 2007 because we were trying to stabilize the company. Now looking ahead, if we stay conservative I believe we will lose out on large opportunities as our risk appetite would be pretty low. With bolstered confidence along with a stronger team I really do look forward to 2008. My E90 and MacBook would definitely help too. Just that dang car that keeps peeping around the corner taunting me that bugs me ha ha. Just you wait Mr. Higgins… Just you wait.

So what's new?

Had a slow weekend. Came to the office on a Sunday. Today is UAT for the project, so had to do a bit of housekeeping. 37 days of UAT ahead. Today is Day 1. Well 36 days to go.

Got me a new E90. It sucks. Could have been so much better, but being a communicator user since the brick Nokia 9210 days - my expectations are much higher.

You're wondering about the cat? I just browsed and found it. I thought it showed very well how I feel! It is Monday you know.

So back to the rambling. I have too much to do, some important, some urgent, some I really don't care too much about. Instead? I blog. Nice way to tone everything down a bit, and get into the rhythm. With new ventures and new grounds to break, I have realized that while reflecting on the past is important, just forging ahead into the future is equally important. One gets paralyzed much too easily dwelling on what if’s and what not’s. Just do it.

So here I am rocking ahead, much to the dismay of foreboding thoughts of pessimisms, while I leave caution to the wind. Dramatic? You bet. I am going to spend 2008 figuring out how to get my hands on my CLK. Having thought about it, I figured an RX8 is nice but too “ah-beng” and a Cayman is kinda out of my league right now. So a CLK will have to do. Some say it is a mistress’ car, I say it is! I just need a mistress to go with it heh heh.