Et tu?

I smiled
I am crying but I smile
I am disillusioned but I smile
I am seething with anger but I smile
I am shattered but I smile
I am poignant but I smile
I am aware of my doom yet I keep my smile
The time has come not to face anger with might
But to serve my revenge deep in winter’s night
When darkness envelopes the laughter of betrayal
And the warmth of passion no longer felt
Specter of loyalty traded with horror
Trepidation prevails
As the angst of treachery haunts the soul
You are my quest
For a lifetime is mere lingering grind
Seek the wrath of my rile
Or
Scurry
I shall be at your door when spring beckons
Only me
Me

Zed Ezekiel, M.i.N.d.B.l.o.G. 2005

“Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed”

WEARY with toil, I haste me to my bed
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;
But then begins a journey in my head
To work my mind, when body’s work’s expir’d:
For then my thoughts—from far where I abide—
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,
Looking on darkness which the blind do see:
Save that my soul’s imaginary sight
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,
Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night,
Makes black night beauteous and her old face new.
Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,
For thee, and for myself no quiet find.

William Shakespeare (1564–1616). The Oxford Shakespeare: Poems.

Can’t sleep. Not new. Been that way since time in memorial. Just a night person. Well and good. So be it. Anyway, here I am contemplating the day during the night, and wishing night when it is day. Sleep I can’t, yet awake I am tormented. Well?

This is a good time to stop reading if you are actually looking for some deep insights that might be making any sense. Fair warning has been given. Heed or proceed please only at your own risk.

I had an interesting conversation today.

It was about relationships. How it begins and inevitably how it often ends. Everyone is searching, and while it may make sense to look for the qualities one thinks makes a man or a women, it is also the same qualities that ends a relationship. Man seeks for a women that is caring? He then gets overwhelmed with exactly the same “care” that turned into a ball and chain and ends up having to make an excuse for an exit. She looks for a cool guy and one that is good looking. She ends up hating every moment that he is out on his own, because she knows that he is crowded with so many “other” women exactly because he is cool and good looking! She ends up suffocating the relationship – ending it nonetheless.

Why? Why do we seek for qualities when what we really need is company, conversation and congeniality in a person. Is there more? Sure there is more to a relationship, but it all boils down to two questions.

Two questions? Only? Yes!

The first?

Where are we now, and can we stay in this phase? I just met you. It has only been a few month. I like you, and we agree that we have “chemistry”, but can we not go to the next level yet? But can we still get in bed now? No? Why? Oh really? Okay. Well… we all know where this relationship ended.

Or perhaps it’s a yes! Okay lets get into bed, then the question arises again. Can we move to the next level? No? Why? Well if you went into bed with me that easily, I am not sure I wanna hang around. So really how many guys have you been to bed with? Huh? So many? Wow? It was really nice being with you, but can we just be friends? Hah!

The second?

Where are we heading? We "love" each other and we seem to get along well. Our friends agree and so does our family. It has been two years and I need to know if we are heading into something more serious? Really? Why? Don’t you love me? Marry me! Marry me! The words screams in her head, and he never understands why. Why my dumb bloke of a friend? Why you ask? Because it has been two years you nitwit zigouwit.

(Zed's Note: Yes, I made the word up. You can stop checking the dictionary already! Sheesh...)

The moral of this story?

Absolutely none. I am surprised you made it all the way here!

Now I am trying to get back to sleep. Shhh… be quiet.

The Lockless Door

IT went many years,
But at last came a knock,
And I thought of the door
With no lock to lock.

I blew out the light,
I tip-toed the floor,
And raised both hands
In prayer to the door.

But the knock came again
My window was wide;
I climbed on the sill
And descended outside.

Back over the sill
I bade a “Come in”
To whoever the knock
At the door may have been.

So at a knock
I emptied my cage
To hide in the world
And alter with age.

Robert Frost (1874–1963) From A Miscellany of American Poetry New York, 1920

I feel warm and fuzzy inside. And as I wonder why, I realized. I realized where this warmth is emanating from.

From you! Yes. You!

Thank you for the well wishes, and especially the thoughts. For a moment, perhaps even for a fraction of a second I occupied your thought, and you wished a complete stranger well. For that I thank you. Although I wish that there is more I can give besides a mere thank you, and the time will come someday. My life's wish is for the time when I can stop asking and then one can start giving.

One reason why I like poetry (Zed’s Note: besides trying to sound cool and intelligent... LOL!!) is the fact that every time you read it, it brings new meaning, and everyone has their own interpretation of the same verse. Like this one from Robert Frost, which talks about how he sees the burden of life and his acceptance of it. It all is metaphorical to a door, yet deep within it unlocks the wish of every being.

To not be afraid.

In retrospect bloggers really are poets in their own way, as words fill a page often with the woes of life, and passage of emotions yet always there is that sense of relief that a burden has been transferred from the heart and mind to a page on a website (much like the poets of old, except that they were stuck with pen and paper!)

Well as this old lion gracefully moves on with his life, let him be and let him see – for the words of yore was true before and shall endure as we are mortals and fear drives us forward just as much as it drives us back.

Zed’s Mindless Fact #1:
Did you know that if every human was accounted for since we started documenting history it is estimated that there would be 90 Billion people born into this world – each unique and individual! And there is about 6 Billion people on earth right now.

The Myth?

A bit of romance, a bit of strained loyalty, and lots of fighting action – a formula that have not waned in style nor fame. No, I am not giving up my day job to be a film critique.

However what did I do on my birthday? I watched a Jackie Chan movie. Why? Because I have always wanted to go watch a movie on a working week day at KLCC. So, I took my Friday off and nonchalantly stood in queue and smiled at every passing fellow that I knew. Yup, in my own little way it was retribution to the rat race. That was what I wanted for my birthday and that was exactly what I got.

Then I sipped coffee over at Chinoz just watching time pass by (and not to mention a few chicks really worth watching) in my bermuda’s and tee.

I did have a good laugh though as friends and associates was wondering what I was up to and everyone kinda stopped by asking if everything was all right. It bugs me that most asked really not out of concern but out of curiosity! Did I lose my job? Did something bad happened? It does worry me that we too often take sympathy in others just to make ourselves feel better!

Doing nothing for a day was fun and this may be what I want from life. But can one actually do nothing for a living? Just have nothingness as a goal and as a job? Remember, be careful what you wish for because you might just get it!

In most of my entries I may have been diving off the deep end a bit too much so I have decided to lighten the atmosphere here somewhat. Here’s a story I find quite funny! In case you're wondering it's about the tradition of toasting "Gan Bei!" much like "Yam Seng!" or "Cheers!". During a wedding the couple is expected to go to every table and "bottom's up" with all the guest, a tradition that have taken a good following here in KL too, much to the delight of yours truly.

Once upon a time in China, there was a wedding dinner. The dinner occupies only half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some American tourists. As the wedding couple hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of 'GAN BEI' gets louder and louder.

One Gwailo gets more and more irritated as the couple keeps getting closer to him.

'GAN BEI.........GAN.........BEI.........!!!' the cheers continued.

Finally, the irritated Gwailo couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted, "IF YOU CAN'T PAY, IT'S OK! THEN LET ME PAY FOR U!"

(Zed’s Note: The joke was taken off the net, with some modifications and Jo, you really are to be blamed for this! You got me hunting for the material… LOL! Oh by the way in case you are wondering, go ahead and watch The Myth, it’s not great but it’s no waste of time either.)

Cheers.

The lull before the storm.

Weeks even days before. We all know when it’s going to happen.

Like birds that flies away and herds of beast that roams absent sensing danger ahead, such is life. We all have the ability to sense danger well before it strikes.

This is a gift, one that we seldom know we possess.

We often can tell that a storm is arriving. Have you noticed that usually after a life altering experience like an accident, a heart attack or perhaps even the triumph of achieving something that you have longed for, you realize that deep inside - you knew?

Yes, you knew that something really bad (or sometimes good) is about to happen. This is the gift that everyone has - but you have to listen. You look out for the signs and you know deep in you that everything is about to change. Things will no longer be the same. We often like to call this ability our instinct – our sixth sense.

Is it really a sixth sense? No. I am sorry to disappoint, but there is no such sense. We learn to sense, much like we learn how not to touch a hot kettle, over time our experience tells us exactly what we need to know – albeit subconsciously but it is always there. We convert this subliminal messages into what we call instinct.

Why do I say this? Well I get paid for using my “instinct”. My gut feel. I don’t crunch numbers, I don’t fix equipments, nor do I teach others – I am paid to provide my “opinions” validated only by my “gut”. Pretty cool? I beg to differ. I would like to think that I am like a weatherman. Not a fortune-teller, but a weatherman. Whom unfortunately is not always right.

I forecast. Do I guess? No. I learn to read the signs. I understand human faces and I understand human voices – not what is seen nor heard, but what is in between. Because of this I know that the respite I enjoy is transient not unlike the lull before a storm. I sense the gale brewing. Thunder rumbles in the distance, and I know the inevitable is exactly what it is - inevitable.

Alone I shall face it, and alone I shall bear the consequence. Now the question is, what the heck am I doing here?

(Zed's Note: Just felt like rambling today, but I guess that is what a blog is all about sometimes. Hmmm...)

Fiction's Friction

“Fantasy is just reality in a different land, speaking a different language”

Zed Ezekiel

Well the tale ended.

Not with a bang, but it fizzled out. Why? Because reality is a drag!

(Zed’s Note: Have you been to The Ship over at Jalan Bukit Bintang? Upstairs, a place called The Captain’s Cabin, go over on a Friday and check out the drags putting on a show. My tip? Order something stiff, and drink fast! What if you don’t drink? Is smoking pot still illegal here? Okay then you’ll just have to rough it out. Sorry!)

Real life? We are constantly looking for the fairy tale that we grew up with, from “Once upon a time” all the way to “…and they lived happily ever after!”. Well guess what? I am sorry to be the one bursting your bubble, but last time I checked Snow White was still stuck with the dwarfs, and Rumpelstiltskins is not spinning yarns of gold.

Truth to be told is that we all strive for happiness, and gloom during moments of despair. But this is the fact - for there will not be happiness if there is no sadness to compare it with. It is interesting that we have to go through pain, to really appreciate the joys of pleasure. I thank god for what I have, and I seek forgiveness for my greed.

I thank you for having spent some time reading the story, it may not be much but it is what it is so I am glad we all got over it. Why? So I can babble about other irrelevant things in life.

By the way, today I seek your attention to this entry by totoro - which highlights a story that I feel is a must read. It also shares the pain that Jacqueline went through (and still is going through). Be mindful of the pictures, but I think its necessary to send the point across.

Cheers.

Thanks baby for the title... I like!

v. Fidelity wasn't just a tune.

I am not sure about this. This was my deal, but now when it’s my turn, I feel like a thousand eyes are watching, and even though you can’t see me, I still am worried that I might make a fool of myself. I didn’t realize it was this difficult. When he does it, it looks so easy and now when I am actually writing this, eerrmmmm.

Well, ready or not here it comes.

I have written and rewritten this story so many times. It just keeps getting more confusing. Every time I edit it, it gets more baffling.

At least I can count on him to edit it. The deal is he can’t edit the story, only spelling and grammar. Well, a deal is a deal. Okay guys (Zed’s Note: Have you noticed that when we write or talk, we are more inclined to address the opposite sex? Guys and Gals my dear…) here is the deal.

I was sitting with my friends waiting for the rest of the gang to arrive. We just got off work, and decided to meet for a few drinks. It was basically supposed to be just a few of us, but you know how it is. You invite one friend, and she invites another and before you know it you have a crowd. I arrived early, because I hate traffic, and I was actually quite near.

(Zed’s Note: And that is why you end up waiting most of the time, I keep telling her this! Okay folks, I have a quota of only three Zed’s Note so am going to keep the last one for the end of the story! However, I have no quota on how long my notes can be! LOL)

Lucky me I had both my best friends with me, so I don’t have that “awkward wait”, at least that’s what I call it. I would rather wait in the car, rather then be in a club alone. Men don’t understand this. No matter how strong we look, we are ladies, and ladies are ladies – if only someone teach them manners, they would probably have some idea. Anyway, before I digress again (I still feel like someone is reading over my shoulder!) let me give you my version of what happened.

We arrived at the club, and decided to take the table outside. It fits more people, and I don’t have to handle guys staring at me. Girls, I am sure you know what I mean. Some jerks just look at you all night and think that they are Rambo or something. This is one reason why I don’t like going out. I don’t think I am pretty, and I am surely not a model – and I don’t need another ten guys walking up to me to tell me what I am not. Sheesh!

So we sat down, and I noticed this guy who caught my eye and smiled. Well, (and by now, I have read Zed’s entry so this is my version okay) I felt that here’s another joker trying to get lucky. Damn hi hi hi…

I think I may have smiled, at least that is what Zed insists, but I don’t remember smiling! Sorry dear! LOL. The way he writes it, you might think that the evening may have lasted like the whole night! Actually if memory serves me right, it was probably about an hour or so. Hi hi leave it to Zed to “stretch” the whole thing. Anyway, I don’t think I can write like him, so I shall get straight to the point. I was ordering my drinks (and I especially liked the “interpretation” Zed has on his idea of women looking at guys when they order drinks! I think I must have had dust in my eyes or something, and accidentally looked his way, ROTFL!) and Zed came over. He looked clumsy and as if this was the first time talking to women or something, and Zed if you were acting, demmm you are good! I felt like there is no harm. We are early, and my girlfriends and I are in a naughty mood. So we started chatting. I didn’t really realize Zed’s so called stunt, about walking away and coming back but I have to admit when I read his version – I feel tricked! So this is my chance for revenge LOL.

Anyway, he called me a few weeks back and said he wanted to write about what happened, and my first question was - what happened? You see, nothing happened that night, so I felt that hmmm… how much harm can come out of this. Then he went and included my name. Cannot laa… like that. So I called Zed and we came to this deal. I get to write the end of the story, so whatever he writes I get to give my version of it right? And in return he cannot use my name, but can only write about me until end of September. So he has one month to write about me, and by end of September I can write the closing. Anyway, this is a bit early (and Zed said he is out of idea, hmmm that is hard to believe!), and the other reason I agreed is because Zed’s birthday is this month, and he insisted that this is his birthday gift. Sheesh, if I knew writing is this difficult, I would have been better to get a pressy lah.

So you must be wondering if the story is true?

Actually, the facts are okay lah, not too much exaggeration. I have known Zed for a few months now, and since that evening I am one of his “buds”. He calls me that because he said he don’t believe in platonic relationships and the only way we can be friends is if he treats me like a guy! Zed I still don’t get this LOL. Is Zed a chicskaholic? Well, I think he is easy to get comfortable with. I like that he can take my day apart, reassemble it and suddenly my confusion makes sense. I don’t know how to explain this, but Zed can see through problems better then most people, so I guess hanging out with him helps me solve my problem. Okay Zed, I said nice things about you already… (Happy Birthday early!)

Anything else? Errmmmm… let me see. I am not supposed to talk about details, so it’s a bit difficult. I am supposed to write about that evening, but the way I see it, I am done. So that’s it.

In case you didn’t notice, yes it’s me – the so called Brown Eyes.

XXX

(Zed’s Note: Hmmm… where do I even begin? Phew! Okay, first of all thank you Brown Eyes for keeping to the deal and not being too nasty in your story! Have you ever tried to get someone else to write? It’s like trying to get a raging bull to get his jabs. By now, you may have guessed it. Yes, Brown Eyes and me are just friends. We have been for a while now, and yes I do treat her like one of the guys.

Any other way? I may end up in a spot where I may have trouble getting out of. I meant it when all I wanted was to have a chat with her that evening. What is more complimenting for a guy then to be hanging out with a hot babe? (No! I wasn’t referring to you Brownie... LOL) Can’t think of anything else.

Platonic relationships? It's just a mask for "when do we get into bed"? A holding pattern.

Okay, that is the end of this story. I hope it's amusing, because that is the way it's meant to be. I have a few more stories running around in my head, so I may write about those. I think I shall call this tale - Brown Eyes with a Twist.)

Totoro tagged and I retorted

Seven things I plan to do before I die:

1. Try to beat aequeosalinocalcalinoceraceoaluminosocupreovitriolic (52 letters), attributed to Dr Edward Strother (1675-1737) as the longest English word that made it to the Oxford dictionary
2. Build a Tour 18 Golf Course right here in KL, Tour 18 is a golf course designed after the US PGA Tour and takes the best holes from several course and puts it together in one (eg. Amen Corner from Augusta, Island Green from Pebbles…)
3. Get over all my addictions
4. Give away RM 1,000 anonymously to 100 poor people every month for 10 years
5. Act in a Hollywood Movie! But as one of those “bad-guy extra’s” standing in the background, preferably a 007 flick. Then get shot, and have a full 10 seconds “dying” part.
6. See all my children be successful
7. Fly around the world, by myself and disappear in the act of doing so, and people will have to wonder for a long time what the heck happened to Zed

Seven things I could do now:

1. Lose some kilos (took this from totoro, unedited)
2. Grow a bit taller (this one too!)
3. Renovate my home (and this one)
4. Go holiday in Kunming for Golf (okay, edited a bit here)
5. Write a book, or a blog (still the same)
6. Eat another burger (damn totoro… you are making it too easy!)
7. Let LaidBare ride me until I can die. Opps... (okay, who’s LaidBare?)
   

Seven celebrity crushes:

1. Angeline Jolie (like you can’t guess?)
2. and as part of the cure for chickaholism, I am supposed to stick to one crush at a time… so next six names shall be the same (Hmmm... I wonder how long this will last???)

Seven often repeated words:

1. Damn
2. Yikes!
3. Okay, all the rest will just have to be symbolized… $%$@#!@^>?<& There may be kids reading this!

Seven traits I look for in the opposite sex:

1. Actually if I can make the list seven, I impress myself! I would settle for a hottie with brains that just couldn’t get enough… Hmmm, I wonder?

When enough is just too much

You know when you were small, and you asked mom for your favorite candy? My mom had an interesting way of weaning me off these nasty habits. She would go out and buy a whole box of the same candy. As much as they would be able to sell her anyway. And then she would stuff the fridge with it. I usually never had the crave for the same candy ever again! Eating the same everyday, one gets a natural turn-off for these enamel obliterating sweeties.

This was how I grew up, and oftentimes how I conduct myself when I like something. I don’t dwell in mediocre moderation, I dive into the deep-end and ask, “That’s all you’ve got?”. No, I am not doing one of those Freudian “I have to attribute everything wrong with my life on mom” stunts, but I had an interesting weekend when I suddenly realized that I had enough of everything - that what’s missing became an enigma.

Am I too contented? Am I not thankful, as I probably should be counting my blessings rather then bitch about having too much? Have I lost my sense of adventure? I asked myself all these questions.

I realized this as I was nursing my SurfinTVnaholic, and found that I couldn’t do it anymore. Not for a second more.

I have had enough of TV, and I ponder if this placid existential activity should be taboo! From AXN all the way to MTV, nothing could keep me glued. I was dumbfounded, what happened? Then I decided that maybe I was too slack, and decided to get into my shorts and shoes for a run.

I ran.

Twenty five minutes later sweaty and drained, I still felt that something was missing. I walked a bit more, and hoped that it will come to me. What am I missing? What is nagging on the coat-tails of my soul that I should be paying attention to? I am as lost as I was at the beginning of this quest.

Flummoxed and mystified I realized one thing though. My mind was on overdrive. I was reeling from my thoughts of looking at myself in the third-party so much, that I became conscious of the obsessions that haunts me. I was writing about me, hence I had some sort of an out-of-body experience! This is daunting. I am scared of me! I fear what I say about myself. And now with all of you reading about me, I feel like there is this huge magnifying glass burning into my being. I am sorry that you are reading this entry, but I felt that the only way I can find peace for now is to profess my fears. Did this make sense? I wouldn’t know. But did it make me feel better? Well it is better then the TV and running, I’ll give it that. So my conclusion? Perhaps there will come a time, when enough is actually too much.

And when I logged on to post this entry, what did I find? Totoro tagged me! Well, I guess when in Rome… (Zed’s Note: Right back at’cha Totoro, a riposte for your tag coming soon! LOL)

Cheers.

Zed's rehabilitation is in progress

Captain's Log:
Friday, 16th September 2005 somewhere around the midst of the cyber-city after being chased by a little red kancil, who thinks that she is the only person late for work.

_______________________________________________________________________

I am happy to report some progress based on my first therapy session. It was grueling, and long as usually is the case when it's the first time (so how was your first time? LOL). I actually decided to go to bed before midnight yesterday! However, the thoughts of all these bloggers out there happily bloggin' away did bug me for a while before I finally managed to lull into my slumber.

(Zed’s Note: MIV, I managed to get the forms because apparently my friend knows someone, who knows this person whom married someone 23 years older then her - who is a big shot somewhere, and they got me the forms!)

However, as part of the program, I was given an assignment. I had to write the top ten things I like about blogging that keeps me doing it. It’s part of a self awakening process apparently. So I did it. Here’s my list.

1. I meet new people
2. I don’t have to wear pants to meet them
3. I get some “escapism” time from the real world
4. Interesting stories are abound
5. I get to be “kepochi” and nose around
6. I get to stand on a soapbox, and get my points across (like totoro said!)
7. I look like I am working (for hours!), hence scoring brownie points
8. I am in control
   (Zed's Note: I have the attention span of a gnat, and the speed of a bee that stung itself *silly bee!* – so I move at my own pace)
9. I don’t have to look like I am interested, only if I am then usually we drop notes, right?
10. I have the freedom of expression, without being tied down by the bias of stereotyping

Tomorrow we may have to do the top ten things we don’t like about blogging. Hmmm… I wonder if these things have got cheat codes?

Anyway, I was late today because I was interviewing a candidate for this post we have here, and I have to admit – I was impressed. It is very seldom you find a local candidate that would be all rounded, and yet not pound his chest like he is King Kong and has just uprooted Eiffel Tower.

This is a common problem.

Good individuals are lacking humility, and the humble ones - are actually swallowing their pride and compromises on principles. To strike a balance is a challenge, perhaps I found the right man for the job (so please do not send in applications folks, job is taken – I hope?). This afternoon would not be fun. We have a board meeting on a Friday afternoon, which wise ass actually thought of that? I have to present, so am going to pretend to look aloof, and cry wolf. It always gets attention and sometimes even a promotion!

(Zed’s Note: Okay am on rambling mode now, so better check out before sustaining more damage!)

A tip on how to look smarter then you are

Look at the person straight in the eye throughout the conversation, never interrupt, and about 3 topics later in your own words repeat exactly what his/her point of view was. You will come out of it looking like you cared, and since you share the same point of view, have you met anyone calling themselves stupid lately?

Obviously not, so the fella will think “Hmmm, what a bright person this Zed is, not only does he care, but he actually says some pretty smart things. Maybe I should listen to him a bit more!”

Okay folks, it was really nice chatting but it’s a weekend ahead and it’s Friday so remember – no drinking and driving, and have a great sunny weekend.

Cheers.