Sit seek seize

In the dark I sit
Hiding not from what I see
It is what I know that trembles
Murmurs of beyond sinks deep

It is not insanity to seek
Far beneath the skin of light
In depths of morbid intensity
I know of too little to swim

The cry of crows too near
Piercing the final scream
As the soul finds asylum
Nothing begets nothing for the damned

As it seems hope is forgotten
Cloaked by promises of abundance
One that ploughs and never ends
Pray it ceases and set me free

But it persists but it persists
So let the damned be damned
And insanity ruins insanity
While in the dark I sit

Zed Ezekiel, Sep 2007

Yup, I miss my coffee. Much! Anyways right now my life is a mundane routine broken by whines and cries of foul which doesn't seem to be worth a mention - hence I won't, and shall spare the two readers of this blog the agony.

Beyond work, I am enjoying the fasting month, where people pretend to be unaffected by the days and remain productive, but actually leaves exactly by 5pm rushing out the door like Fred Flinstones jumping off his dinasour at the sound of the horn. So much for productivity.

Food is good, but I have decided to use this fasting month as an opportunity to lose some weight (Who am I kidding? Lots of weight! Heh heh) and have set my sights on losing at least 3kgs within the next 3 weeks or so. I often gain a few kilo’s during Aidilfitri hence I might as well be prepared for it. I actually have not had a single hunger pang throughout the last week and this is a good thing. So here’s goodbye to all the kuihs and cendols for breaking fast.

As work turns into a grinding routine and with so little time left thereafter, life is becoming a monotonous grey. I hope to be able to get out of this toneless schedule sometime in early 2008 and perhaps again sail the stormy seas of luck and chance. Otherwise I may lose my street creds and will just be that final dot you see in your old TV when you turn it off – a disappearing speck of a has been flailing for attention.

Salam Ramadhan

Wishing all Muslims a blessed Ramadhan and may we all reap the benefits from this glorious month.

A Clear Midnight

THIS is thy hour O Soul, thy free flight into the wordless,
Away from books, away from art, the day erased, the lesson done,
Thee fully forth emerging, silent, gazing, pondering the themes thou lovest best.
Night, sleep, and the stars.

Walt Whitman (1819–1892). Leaves of Grass. 1900.

What a life!

So much to seek, so much to unfold, yet what is done - never is. I have learned that our lives intertwine into a convoluted puzzle that never ends. What is today is merely tomorrow’s mess, and tomorrow shall be an illusion of promises – most of which are never kept.

Perhaps I am disenchanted by untold stories and promises broken, alas to realize that this is all there is to this life. Money cures not the pain, rather it adds to the want. Love cures not the pain, rather it warrants the fear of lost. My soul seeks serenity now, only to be disappointed by promises of tomorrow.

So little we believe that we set aside faith for fortune, yet when it is done – it is never enough. Pangs of regrets echoes in the soul, only to be awakened by the fact that time is no longer a friend. So much have been wasted over the toil of material, yet the soul is left hungry and starved for salvation.

Perhaps I am lost not in a maze of confusion, alas it was a foray of choices wrongly taken. Choices taken not for faith, instead for the glory of fame and fortune. Such deprivation of the soul, such travesty of ignorance – while I plead superiority to the simple minded, I rape and pillage the very essence of my conviction.

It is time.

Time to no longer seek, but to accept.
Time to no longer plunder, but to accept.
Time to no longer question, but to accept.
Time to no longer run, but to accept.

It is time to accept that I am nothing but a humble slave. I am a slave, and it is not me that matters – it is what I am a slave to that makes the difference.

Jakarta in July

Another satisfying trip. Three days of unrelenting golf, three days of camaraderie, and three days of not talking about deadlines and deliverables. I am still recovering from my trip, and perhaps am still having the blues about having to once again get back to work. But heck, it pays the bills, so here I am hacking away. Life has taken many interesting twist and turns these last few months. The guy in the mirror is someone I barely recognize anymore. He seems to have taken a life of his own!

Anyway, back to Jakarta in July.

We started off in Cenkareng just five minutes from the airport. It is really an easy going course, with the occasional airplanes flying overhead taking off. Perhaps not playing the last two months didn’t help my score here, so shot a 96.

Next – Sentul Highlands. A newly renovated course, and one that is rather tight and undulating. Very rewarding if you can drive straight, else better to stick to the three woods. Course management is a must.

Finally, my favourite – Klub Golf Bogor Raya. Two days of golfing may have prepared me when I shot 5 pars on the first 9! Bogor Raya is a golfer’s Disneyland. Scenic, fantastic club-house, and caddies that makes you feel that 18 holes is just not enough. The food here is very good too. I had Nasi Timbal, and I would recommend this. My friends had the Gurami Dabu-dabu another dish that I would strongly recommend.

So that was golf. Final scores? 96 – 94 – 91. Got better along the way, and am really looking forward to more golf.

I am still having a few crisis burning holes at work, and am very concerned about how to implement a process that will ensure that balls are not dropped along the way. Then again that's what I get paid for. Enjoy the rest of the week folks, while I scheme my way for the next event - Surabaya in September!

When do’s and don’t collide

I seek security
I seek clarity
Yet all I find is insanity
And believe you me
I am happy!

I have longed wondered why something so easy for so many, can be so difficult for some? Why common sense is so uncommon? Why politics is just a big word for - I like it my way, and your way sucks, and if I don’t get my way then it’s because of politics? Why it is so hard for people to simply pick up the phone and ask? Why they wait for days on end, only to answer when asked – “Errr… I was waiting for your instruction?” I also wonder why they go to the toilet when I didn’t instruct them?

Alas, I beseech understanding - only to find myself further in a quagmire of human fallacy much to my dismay. Then, upon much thought it struck me!

Eureka! I know now the answer I seek.

Alas how thankful I am finally realizing that the enigma that lies upon me isn’t much of pain - as it is so much more of a gain.

You see when human is too lazy to seek answers to something so simple, it makes my work easy. When human would rather focus more on how to kill each other, it makes my work easy. When human is too lazy to simply pick up the phone, it makes my work easy. All I have to do is tell them how lousy they can be, and then I move on pretending to be a busy bee… And here I am writing for thee!

When you say, Phew!

Moments one keeps to one self.

1. Have you bumped into an old flame, looked at her size and tell yourself... Phew!
2. Have you bumped into one of your college mates and realized that because he did "Actuarial Science" and was perceived to be the smartest-dude around (aka nerd), and now he's stuck in a dead end job at the back of an insurance Company counting crap for a living - Phew!
3. Have you had one of those nights that you really feel like drinking, but didn't and you got stopped by the cops? (come closer and smell me breath Datuk! heh heh) - Phew!
4. Have you bumped into one of the girls that you almost had a one nighter with, and realized how she looks like during the day-time - double Phew!

So tell me - what was your Phew! moment...

Aaahhhh I am back

I missed writing here.

It has been a long hiatus, and one that was filled with projects, proposals, and much work in between.

I am getting the hang of my new life. Sort of a bit here, and a bit there but it seems to work out. I have waited a long time for my views on life to change. Yes, I expected it to change, and change it did.

I was sure that given enough time, I will have a different perspective towards what life has to offer, so I waited. True enough, with time my views did change. No longet am I the eager beaver jumping on everything and anything that comes by, but now I am more patient (relative to before perhaps, but to others I am perhaps still a very impatient man). I am more interested to hear the whole story before I conclude the ending. And often, yes often I find that perhaps I am not always right after all.

So feelings of immortality aside, the time has dawned on me that while I know a lot, there is so much more that I don't know, and shall never know. I am but a gnat in a world of gnats. I hold alas a small piece of the puzzle. To have to complete picture, I need more.

The real question is, do I really want the whole picture? Perhaps this ignorance that I hold I should cherish.

Shucks!

I really don't feel like working today.

Too much grinding action, with little to show for it. Time seems to have just decided to take a whizz on me and pass me by like a speeding train with no sound. A silent apperition chugging along, and I am reduced to a mere spectator.

Working 12 to 14 hours a day, with 7 to 10 meetings - makes me sometimes feel that things perhaps could be done in a better way. It has brought me to think about the broader picture. I need good people. People who understands technology and how it relates to business. Someone with seven to ten years of experience, and has been in a large scale successful IT Project.

I think this is an opportunity knocking for those who wants to live a challenge and enjoy the rewards. Anyone wants to answer the door?

Email me, and let's have a chat. I can only assure you that it would be interesting.

I have nothing to say...

Seriously, had so much to do so am left with very little to say, but felt like blogging a few words heh heh so here I am - Saying nothing.

Nothing.

A slice of Heaven, and a whole cake of Hell...

I wonder why it always feels like one has to chomp through a whole cake of Hell, before tasting ever so briefly a slice of Heaven? It has been that kind of year for me, and amazingly I crave for more.

On another note, it was brought to my attention that I write like a girl! Really? Damn! Of the many things that I thought was cool, like a girl? Seriously? Shit. Can't a man be sensitive too? Heh heh heh...