In pain with no gain

Sometimes in life we do foolish things. Well, perhaps more then sometimes. But, there are times when you really screw things up. And I mean really, really screw things up. I think I just did. I don't know how (but actually I did), I didn't know when (but actually I did), and I didn't know what would have happened if I did what I did (but actually I did). Alas, I did it anyway.

Today, I am feeling this gnawing pain. Rumbling deep in me. This feeling that I cannot, simply cannot shake. You know that feeling. The feeling of abandonment so bad, that you feel that the whole world has just went by you, and you are this insignificant little gnat. The feeling that one would wish that one never started something, that simply could not have an ending. Yes, this feeling often involves members of the opposite sex, either leaving you or leaving whatever it was that you had. Or didn't have. This feeling of inadequacy. This feeling of being dumped.

The single biggest pain of being a zed is the fact that the dichotomy of whom he is, and whom he has to be is so big that it would make Dr. Jekyll proud. I wonder if I can keep doing this. Keep this inner storm lying low and calm, while it brews within me not unlike a tsunami in waiting. The pain of having to swallow so much pride in a day, simply because of the walks of life, when all you want to do is shove everything back where it belongs (usually up a poor fella's rear end). I doubt this satirical lie can persist. I doubt that who I am, and whom I am being could coexist for very long. The stretch on sanity has taken its toll. My foolishness is making me inept.

Yes, I am quite convince now that I often write when misery visits. This time, I am also quite sure that this string of words and letters shall persists. Thanks to this blog, I am at least able to visit a side of me that for now lies dormant. While names and places are often missing, but hey the drama is the drama. String a few sonnets of lies in the rhythm of truth, everything is melodious.

I don't know. I say this a lot. And absolutely hates anyone who says I don't know. So often I do hate me. I would like to think that I should have known better. And often I do. We all do. Yet, down the slippery slope we go. Playing with fire. Fire that will consume.

And all we have to show for our pain... is more pain.