Come and get me New Year. I am ready!

Part Two: Nature XCIX

A DEW sufficed itself
And satisfied a leaf,
And felt, “how vast a destiny!
How trivial is life!”

The sun went out to work,
The day went out to play,
But not again that dew was seen
By physiognomy.

Whether by day abducted,
Or emptied by the sun
Into the sea, in passing,
Eternally unknown

Emily Dickinson (1830–86)

Another year folds upon itself, and a new one dawns upon us.

This time, we tell ourselves it will just be the same. No need for resolutions and no need for change as it is inevitably a colossal disappointment come year end anyway. Why bother, we tell ourselves. This year, I shall just take it as it comes.

I have spent the last few weeks reflecting on my own life, and concluded that perhaps this is not the way to go after all. Incidentally before I found out about blogging and obviously got hooked to it, like the first time a baby finds his pacifier, I have always kept a journal. In college it was hand written, and as I progressed it got digital and most of it now is nicely tucked away for my reading ruminations. So as I reflect on the past, reading these entries, preparing myself for the future - I noticed that as much as I would like to say that I have evolved over the years, most of the issues I face are still the same.

They say people never change. Perhaps there is some truth in this. However, thanks to this blog, as Jo once mentioned, I have witnesses to what I write and how I see myself. Hopefully in months to come, this blogger will be able to shape himself into a being that would finally be of some use to others. Otherwise, it shall just be another superficial ride in the park, one that ends with laughter but carries a lingering taint of mindless amusement.

There is a quote I like, which I got from the sidebar’s Quote of the Day.

"Man knows so much and does so little."
R. Buckminster Fuller

We often know what we need to do to meet the goals and objectives that we set for ourselves. However, as time goes by - procrastination, mismanaged priorities, lack of interest or simply just gool old plain laziness affects our outcomes. Year in and year out we ask ourselves where did the money go? Why am I working so hard just to be at the same spot all over again? How about my relationship? Where is it heading? Why do we have so much in common, yet make so little out of it? Then comes the questions about our careers. Is this what I want to do for a living? Is this all there is? Do I want to grow old and turn into my balding boss? Did I make the right choice in the first place?

This inevitably is one of the fundamental building blocks of life. Asking difficult questions.

Too often we jump into the quagmire of issues, problems and dilemmas and immediately seek for an answer. This is how we were taught when we were growing up. For every question, there is an answer. Some multiple choices, others subjective – and for each of our answers we were given a grade.

Well, guess what?

There is no grade in life, and there is no right nor wrong answers. It is all right or all wrong, depending on which point of view you take. As far as grades are concerned, people have decided to look upon you based upon what car you drive and how big your house is as a measurement. This materialistic view of life is inevitable as society decides which caste we belong to. Humans are natural born bigots, and the only way we can survive is to pigeonhole a person to where he or she belongs in the different strata's of our society which in turn enables us to relate to them.

Meet a Datuk? Jump up, shake his hands vigorously, and try to be as charming as possible. Meet simple Joe, with shiny plastic looking pants and rows of pen hanging in his shirt pocket? Well, a polite smile will do. This is who we are. We are born into a society that have stereotyped almost every nuance that we portray.

What is going to stop this?

Asking the right questions, and to continue being curious. Only when we question ourselves will we be able to create the badly needed speed-bumps for a reality check. Otherwise, it is just a straight drive, do not Pass Go, and continue with our mindless surge for needless necessities.

We need to check ourselves. Sometimes, we nod and give ourselves that well deserved pat on the back, other times we cringe in shame and wish we could turn back time. This necessity to reflect on who we are, where we are heading, and where are we now - is just a simple way to make sure that with the many distractions life has to offer, we keep moving forward.

If the child never shouted “The King is not wearing any cloths!” everyone would still pretend that everything is fine, and the poor King would still be walking around without his cloths. So these inquisitive nature in us are the milestones that halts the ego that we blow-up as we age. Let the child loose sometimes, and see what he or she has to say.

As we rendezvous with destiny, we sometimes ask if we actually contributed to the events that happened, or was it just fate? Well, no one doubts that fate played a role in what we achieved, but make no mistake, it was us that put our self into the path of opportunity or destruction to begin with. We could choose to stay on the same course, going to the same job day in and day out, and continue ranting about never having enough money; or we could change our own fate by changing our career or getting ourselves educated further to improve our opportunity.

All in all, I learned one simple truth from this ending year.

The truth to it all lies inside us. We get a say to what happens to us down the road, simply based on what we do today. And it all boils down to the choices we make, and actions we follow through with.

The only way to have money is either to earn more, or to spend less - no need for a financial guru to tell you this. The only way to have a relationship is to reach out. No one could dive into the depth of your being and read you like a book. You have to take chances and make mistakes - some will be rewarded and others you will learn from.

And most importantly to be happy? It is to strive towards the good things in life. You can choose to be grumpy, as so many do, but if you choose to ignore the small things in life, and excel in what is important then happiness is inherent to the achievements we make.

So here's to a new year, new reasons to live, and new friends to live it with!

Cheers!

(Zed's Note: The picture was nicked from binx's
site. Thanks May for the
reminder, and binx for the pix.)

[physiognomy]

1. The art of judging human character from facial features. Divination based on facial features.
2. Facial features, especially when regarded as revealing character.

When forever is never

Pernah dulu kufikirkan
Tanpa cinta tak mengapa
Bila kau pergi kurasakan
Sunyinya dihati
Baru kini kutahu
Nilai cintamu

It has been a while. A while since I have thought of the moments we created. A while since my mind played your portraits ever so slowly. A while since I felt this numb and senseless feelings. A while since I thought of these thoughts. A while since anyone have completed my thoughts. And then you called.

No dear, no one have called me and cried because they missed me, and simply because they loved me. No one, but you. You know love, and you know how to love. No one have showed me the true colors of love besides you. But we both knew it was never meant to be. There will be no us.

Lama telah ku impikan
Gadis sepertinya
Mengisi taman hati
Dengan cahaya kasih (suci)
Siapakah gadis yang ku idam...

Yes, I miss you. Tremendously. I miss the times we had, and the times we shared. I miss missing you. It was when I felt that life had a meaning. It spelled out feelings that felt so good, I felt guilty. It couldn’t be this good, it shouldn’t. But it was. It was good indeed. We enjoyed it. Yes we hurt each other doing so, but we did it anyway, because sometimes wrong is right.

No, it wasn’t without its price. We both paid. We paid dearly, and we are still paying. It will never ever go away. It was that good and it was that expensive. A lifetime of slavery is nothing compared to the bliss we shared.

Sebuah cinta dan harapan
Menjadi mimpi berterbangan
Tersekat nafasku kabur pandangan mataku
Amat tersiksa diriku
Kerana kehilanganmu

It never felt the same after. We both knew it. We both knew that what we had would also be the last time we will ever have it. It will never be the same again, now that we know that there is such a thing called love, such a thing called forever, such a thing called complete. We thought we were strong, that we were infallible, alas we were not. It hurts me thinking this thought, and I know it hurts you knowing that I am thinking it.

It never felt like it would end. We both thought that today and tomorrow and forever was the same. It was not. It never was and never will be.

Andainya aku punya waktu
Masih ku ingin mengulangi semula
Saat indah bersama mu
Sayang tak berkesempatan
Abadikan saja salam ku di ingatan
Salam ku yang terakhir

This is not goodbye. There can be no goodbye in forever. This feeling will last. We shared a moment, one that shall remain. I will be here just as much as you will be there. Far maybe; but never ever apart.

Never ever.

One that makes me warm, and proud to be Malaysian

I have my own opinions of my country. I am proud of it for sure, though I am sometimes troubled by some incidents that perhaps could be handled better.

Once in a while though we come across someone whom is able to see through the colors of the country and see a glimpse of what this nation is all about. The amalgamated society of race, religion, and political belief is one of acceptance, as today we have gone well beyond simply being tolerant.

We have matured into a country where being different is expected, and it is not one that we have to live with – but one that we have come to accept and cherish.

I look forward to grow in this country where one day we will harness the different values of our race for the betterment of a nation. One day we will cross pollinate our abilities to make us an economic and political influence that will be the glue to a united Asian Economic Community and again repeat the role of being the trading post of the region; not unlike what Malacca was not too distant in the past.

We have so much to gain, working together - and much more to lose if we don’t.

I found this article over at BlogsMalaysia and am compelled to share. Do visit the original links of the article and BlogsMalaysia to seek more.

And to Justin Raimondo... I bid you Terima Kasih.

________________________________

Christmas in Malaysia It's not what you might imagine
December 23, 2005
by Justin Raimondo

To say that Malaysia is not what I imagined would be an understatement of epic proportions. Situated just south of Thailand, north of Indonesia, and quite close to the equator, the country describes itself as officially "Islamic," and this, at least in the minds of most Americans, means a stultifying uniformity, a monolithic apparatus of cultural and all too often political repression. It means women in burqas, gay people in hiding, and a society generally groaning under the weight of an enormous repression. Therefore, when I was invited to attend the Perdana Global Peace Forum as a speaker, I was somewhat hesitant, to say the least: did I really want to venture forth into such a forbidding landscape? So my initial answer was "no." But after doing a little research, and in response to the urgings of Antiwar.com's webmaster, Eric Garris, I reconsidered. What, I reasoned, could possibly happen to me? After all, I had lived in that most dangerous and forbidding realm, the New York City of pre-Giuliani days, where you were just as likely to be mugged as anything else, and in broad daylight, too. Yet I had lived to tell the tale. So, I thought, what the heck – why not?

I am now well into my second week of staying in Kuala Lumpur, at the fabulous Crowne Plaza Hotel, and it is clearer than ever that my prejudices were not only mistaken – they were and are the exact opposite of the truth. Malaysia is the virtual incarnation of religious and ethnic diversity, a veritable melting pot of racial and devotional groups that somehow manage to live in relative harmony far beyond anything I have seen even in that paradigmatic paragon of multiculturalism, California. Malays, Chinese, Indians, Arabs, and a generous smattering of Anglo expats swarm the streets of Kuala Lumpur, the biggest city in the country: yes, there is a Muslim majority, but non-Muslims are not subject to sharia law. Malay Muslims coexist with Chinese Catholics, and Buddhist priests roam the Bukhit Bintang plaza, begging, amidst crowds shopping for the latest fashions and punk rockers with pink hair stroll fearlessly down the street.

You never saw such diversity. And that's just during the daytime. At night…

I'm getting ahead of myself. Of course, I didn't come here for the nightlife: I came for the Perdana Peace Forum, which was favored with an impressive array of speakers: former Australian prime minister Bob Hawke, British MP George Galloway, former UN assistant secretary-general Denis Halliday, Pakistan-born Britain-based writer and filmmaker Tariq Ali, former UN assistant secretary-general Hans von Sponeck, Daniel Ellsberg, and anti-nuclear-arms activist and writer Helen Caldicott. Representing the Malaysians were former prime minister Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, current Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, and Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.

I had some concerns about former Prime Minister Mahathir, but then I read this Paul Krugman column and my fears were somewhat allayed. Upon meeting Dr. Mahathir, whatever reservations remained were put completely to rest: the man seems to emanate benevolence and great gentleness, almost an aura of serenity, like some sort of Buddhist guru.

Another concern was the appearance of any connection to a government entity: Antiwar.com does not accept money from any governmental source, nor do we affiliate ourselves with the activities of any government. Only after receiving assurances that not a penny of Malaysian government money was going into the conference did we agree to attend. The conference was, indeed, a model of private enterprise in action, with corporate contributions from Ambank Group, Berjaya Corporation Bhd, Country Heights Holdings Bhd, Kuala Lumpur Kepong Bhd, Malayan Banking Bhd, Multi-Purpose Holdings Bhd, Sri Inderajaya Holdings Sdn Bhd, the Sunway Group, and the Sapura Group of Companies. Nestle and Dell Computers were also among the corporate sponsors.

At any rate, the conference was… amazing. Literally thousands of ordinary Malaysians heard the speakers and then divided into discussion groups. Around a third to a half were young people, and their questions and comments provided an illuminating glimpse into the minds of non-Americans, who look on America with great affection and respect and yet object to the actions of the American government.

Eric Garris has gone into the incident involving Zimbabwe's dictator Robert Mugabe, who suddenly showed up uninvited, so I won't go into too many of the details. Suffice to say that I made a point of working a denunciation of Mugabe's thuggery into my speech, an event that seemed to catalyze general opposition to his presence. An event at which Mugabe was supposed to speak was canceled, and, in answer to inquiries about Mugabe's presence, Dr. Mahathir remarked: "Everybody can attend. If he wants to say how good it is to be a dictator, he can."

I have to say that there was none of the crude anti-Americanism at the conference that one has – sadly – come to expect at gatherings of antiwar activists. Eric and I made a point of linking the cause of peace to the cause of free markets at every opportunity, a viewpoint that was especially appreciated by the conference organizers.

I have to say that I am… astonished by Malaysia. Here is an "Islamic" country where a gigantic 

Christmas tree sits in the lobby of the hotel I'm staying at, and the café waiters in the plaza a few blocks away are dressed like Santa's elves. Here is a city where the nightlife puts San Francisco's to shame. Where the city's oldest gay bar, the Blue Boy, makes Baghdad-by-the-Bay seem like a dive in Podunk, Idaho; where people party well into the morning light, and you can have a good time for a few ringgits (the Malay currency: around 30 cents). The food is fabulous: Malay (spicy, somewhat Thai-like), Arab (there's a great place right off Bukhit Bintang), Chinese (you haven't lived until you've sampled the pleasures of Kuala Lumpur's Chinatown), and too many more to go into here. The place is a gastrointestinal paradise!

Modernity is juxtaposed next to traditionalism: on the one hand you have the soaring heights of the Petronas Twin Towers, the tallest buildings in the world, lit up like a vision of futurity against the night sky, and on the other hand you have women in traditional dress – colorful costumes of bright color and the requisite head covering – traversing its corridors. Two, three, many worlds coexisting: the past and the future converging into a new synthesis of creativity and entrepreneurial energy. The impression one gets is of a tremendous vitality, a restless yet directed life-force that seems to spring right out of the earth.

A final note: nowhere have I experienced more genuine warmth and such a feeling of welcome. When you come to Kuala Lumpur, you are made to feel very special. The gentleness and politeness of these people is a phenomenon that doesn't exist, to my knowledge, anywhere in the U.S. Malays are generally puzzled by the actions of the U.S. government abroad, and do not support the war in Iraq: but they love America, the country, and show great admiration and respect for the American people. And that is the kind of "anti-Americanism" that I can live with.

The Christmas and New Year Tag-along

Well, we are now very close to closing this chapter of our diaries, blogs, and whatever else we use to keep our thoughts in. It is perhaps a good time to reflect after all.

Incidentally I was tagged by Sheryl, which she got from Helen, who got it from Zara’s Mama who in turn got it from Maria a.k.a. Twinsmum and apparently the original tag was in Chinese characters which either came from Mingming or Wong Teck Jung and at this point I lost the trail due to my lack of linguistic capacity when suddenly everything became a myriad of characters I wish I could read but couldn’t.

Anyway, to make a very long story short here is the tag.

Person I want my Santa to be:

The gift that I wish to get:

The RM 120,000,000.00 eCourt Project that keeps going back-and-forth like a very long boring rally in badminton! Just give it to me already. I’ll get it up and running in no time, and people would then be whizzing through the courts like it was a cashier counter at Carrefour!

So, now that we’ve got the tag done, lets move on to the next topic.

I was out last night with some friends and we started talking about blogging. Lo and behold! To my pleasant surprise, there were three active bloggers around the table, and as there were like eleven of us, most of the rest were either already commenting on blogs or are planning to start one. Well, well, well interesting as it may be, I also realized something about blogs.

While the personality we present in our daily life may project a certain image, over on a blog we are sometimes a completely different person. It may not really be who we are, or sometimes it is a reflection of our true self emerging in an atmosphere that suggests some form of placid tranquility.

Yes on a blog we are not unlike Superman faster then a speeding bullet, stronger then a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings with a single bound! We are able to impose upon others what we think and feel, when in real life this may be suppressed by the fact that we have a nanosecond to come out with something smart to say, or end up being left out in the corner of the table nursing our drinks watching the hoopla of conversations going on like an F1 race. Yes, here in blogosphere, some of us are Superman.

Able to say much more, at our own pace at our own terms and this got me thinking about me.

Who am I in real life, as compared to this Zed fellow writing all these nuances about himself? I usually try not to write about others, simply because I don’t like it. I am not much of a gossip-monger, and people often do take offence when you write stuff about them, even if you meant well, or even if you meant it as a joke. I also realized that this anonymity we carry on our blogs is a false sense of security as someday, someone will figure out who you are, and about what you have said about them. No I cherish my fragile peace of mind a wee bit too much to bring about the notion that I am holier then thou.

In our blogs we are amongst equals. I know not who you are, and nor do you I.

On a final note.

I may have perhaps in my entries and comments made a conjecture that doesn’t sit well with you. As I hop the blogs, leaving multitude of comments here and there, perhaps I may have inadvertently piss you off. For that, and in the spirit of the days to come, and the beginning of a brand new year - I beg you for your forgiveness. I have much to lose when I lose a friend, and much more to gain when I gain your friendship virtual or real it matters not.

So from one blogger to another I bid you a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and a heck of a 2006!

Oh by the way, here is who I really want for Christmas!

No you are not lost, just audacious

How often have we been in a position where we suddenly realized that we don’t know what we are doing, not sure where we are, or perhaps just suddenly confused with all our bearings? I have been rather cryptic in the last few entries, and as Jo mentioned “You seem as though you're going through a phase of reflection this time of year, ey?” and also according to Rostam “Zed, u r beginning to write like MIV”.

Well this is no coincidence.

I am reflective, and I have been attempting to hide behind the cloak of cryptic allusions, however when I began to read what I have written I realized that some of the joy from what really is happening is taken out. Well, such is the price of a blog. Amongst close friends over a few drinks, perhaps even a game of Pictionary over at La Bodega, much more could be shared and the tête-à-tête of the evening would be just a tad more lively.

However, on these pages it would suffice to say that much is happening.

Often as we embark on a venture, we lose the dependable charted maps that have guided us well over the years. What was once taken for granted is no longer at our fingertips. The worn out assumptions we used to make, and decisions that was based on dealings that haven’t really changed over the years are no longer trustworthy.

I was having this chat with my very good friend and business partner yesterday as we sat in the Jacuzzi at the Andana Spa in the new Holiday Inn over at Glenmarie. By the way, I would recommend this spot to everyone, it is available to both sexes, has a very open ambience and allows everybody to mingle in its centre lounge – complete with VIP Rooms. A good place to unwind along with clients, and does not have any of the dodgy character often associated with the word Spa nowadays.

We spoke of many things, some about our plans, some about the new beginnings, and some about the needless need to know exactly what is going to happen. Yes, when you jump into anarchy head first, sometimes one would not want to know too much. We would rather let circumstance dictate the course of action that ensues. So now with so little to hang on, and so much to plunder we wondered what would hold us together? I believe that in the chaos of mutiny, war, and the pursuit of one’s dreams taking out the rusty Moral Compass may perhaps be the only defense from losing one’s way.

In each of our endeavors, the guiding philosophy between right and wrong lies in simple bearings once taught to us a long time ago. I believe that within each and everyone of us lies a clear distinction between good versus evil, hence as long as we remain true to the north of good and steer away from the south of evil the journey will chart its own course.

As we spent the rest of the evening over a few games of pool, and a Japanese dinner which I would not recommend, we were subdued by the fact that we will have to live with the uncertainties of what lies ahead, and leverage on our collective capabilities of what we leave behind. So even if the feelings feels like being lost, one simply have to earn one’s right to be audacious as one faces the anarchy of altercations.

Even though ablazed

If I had to do it all over again
I need all the bruises to be the same
As I know not the difference between good and bad
Since some good came from the bad
And some bad came from the good

So as I cherish my existence
I too shall cherish each penance
Every each one that brought me here
For me to ponder thereafter
And let me look upon these days

As if it was gloriously hazed
Even though some may disagree
But to me
It is mine to say and do
So I shall not leave it up to you

To say what is mine to take
Or what is mine to break
As within each and glorious days
Even though there is always some haze
Yet all is worthy of a place

Deep within this long and lonely passage

Zed Ezekiel, M.i.N.d.B.l.o.G. 2005

I want it all

Yes, the cake, eating the cake, and having my unfair share of the cake too. All of it. In fact you should too! The mediocrity of being in the middle, being the good guy, being the one that gives in is lost in the glory of greed that is cheered on by the masses of our society. The man that spends his day making an honest living from dusk to dawn, barely breaking bread for his family, living at the mercy of what his government and his employers decide upon is nothing but a life of peasant-hood jeered by some, booed by others. They call him lazy, they call him a loser, yes they call him many names while he persists that he is contented with life, and they sympathized with his complacency.

No we want to watch more then that. We want to watch a man fight odds well beyond him, win or lose it doesn’t matter as long as it is something worth watching.

So what if a man takes the easy way out? There isn’t anything fun there. We want a man to fight on with his arms torn off, his legs bleeding profusely and an arrow stuck to his back. We want to see this man battle his enemies even if it seemed all but hopeless, and for some of us we want him to win.

Alas, not all of us though. Many amongst us would like to see a man fight a good fight and fall, such is the dark nonchalant spirit we bear within us. Too many of us are too critical of others that we forget, that someone is watching us too. While we watch the man swing his axe, and takes upon blow after blow, we forget that we too are a pawn in another man’s game. We too are being manipulated like puppets on a string for the amusement of others.

So perhaps the question that begs to be answered is, while we watch another man battle his life away, what battles are we fighting and who is watching us? In light of this, I have decided that it is finally time to join the foray.

To jump into anarchy and seek cornucopia.

I am determined to fight an unfair battle, with an unfair advantage and seek an unfair slice and leave fairness to the suckers. Let them rot in their ideal dreams, while I plunder this land, and take well beyond what I need. Now at least, I know which battles I will fight, and why I am fighting for it.

It takes a big man to measure his pursuits beyond what the eyes could see, far into the realms of heaven and hell, as for most of us the chase ends here, and yes over here - good guys do finish last.


[cornucopia]

1. A goat's horn overflowing with fruit, flowers, and grain, signifying prosperity. Also called horn of plenty.
2. Greek Mythology. The horn of the goat that suckled Zeus, which broke off and became filled with fruit. In folklore, it became full of whatever its owner desired.
3. A cone-shaped ornament or receptacle.
4. An overflowing store; an abundance: a cornucopia of employment opportunities.

When all you have is what you see

I reflect on what have passed me by
I glee at the thoughts of what might have been
I gloat at the thoughts of what has been
I grimace at the thoughts of what should have been
But worst of all I was appalled
When I realized that all I see was

Me

Zed Ezekiel, M.i.N.d.B.l.o.G. 2005

Top 10 Signs: You know you've run out of stuff to blog about...

10. You think Blogthings is the next best thing to sliced bread

9. You start tweaking with your blog to change its look and layout

8. You start blogging about your childhood days

7. You blog about other blog

6. You dig out old meme/tags and finally get to doing it

5. You wished someone actually tagged you before!

4. You post lyrics

3. You post incoherent short entries or say that you are on a break

2. You start to think that there is more to life then blogging

And... Number 1 on the Top Ten Signs You know you've run out of stuff to blog about is!!!

Still scrolling?



























1. Your post is about "You know you've run out of stuff to blog about..."
and you slap people's cartoon in-between to fill in the blanks!

It’s time...

It was five o’clock in the morning. I am very cold, and I am not sure if it was because of the rain or the fact that I am going to die this morning. I finished my prayers and saw that my tears have stained my praying-mat like a whole bowl of water just spilled all over it. I didn’t sleep at all last night, as I took turns either praying or crying my head off. I knew it was too late. Hoping against hope isn’t going to get me anywhere. As the Ustaz mentioned yesterday, I have to “Redha” as this is my fate. I have to accept it.

I fought a good fight. I am innocent. But who isn’t if the gallows are inches away from their neck, who is not innocent? No one believes me, and I have exhausted all my plea’s, there is no one left that I could beg for my life.

I heard the footsteps and the jingle of keys as the guards opened the outer door that leads to my cell. The sound of other inmates roused by the commotion is beginning to rise. One recited the “Azan”, while others were just shouting incoherently. My vision became very sharp, it was as if I could take a knife and slice through everything I see. The noise was silenced by the guards, except for the “Azan”. Kadir just went on delivering the “Azan”, and the guards let him. Kadir was next, and he knew it. He too have little to hope for as he was caught with a van full of marijuana, and crying innocent is not going to help him either.

I am done crying. I am done regretting. I am just done being done.

I wish that the next few minutes could be sped up into seconds. I just wanted to get this over with. I no longer have any fight in me. Though I am very afraid. I am very afraid of the inevitable pain. They say that dying is painful, and I am afraid that it is going to hurt. I asked the Ustaz yesterday if God would forgive my sins, as I now know when I am going to die. They said that the door to repentance is closed after you die, does that apply if I knew when I am going to die? He said that it is up to God, and God is Most Forgiving and Most Merciful. I only wished that human was as forgiving.

They looked at me from outside my cell as if I am going to lunge and wreck their well laid out routines. I looked at the guards and the Warden, smiled and told them to come in and get me. I may not be ready, but if I am to meet my maker, it might just as well be now. This is a good day to die. I didn’t know if it was courage or if it was just abandonment. I have failed to be alive, I might as well look forward to death.

They opened the door gingerly and stepped inside. Two of the guards immediately stood behind me and cuffed my hands. The Warden looked at me, and with a face full of regret as if he agreed with my innocence, he read my charges and the punishment meted upon me. Then the Ustaz walked into the cell and asked me if there is anything I would like to say to him. I looked at him, my eyes was cloudy as tears was streaming, and I couldn’t find my voice. The words did not come out. So instead I just looked at him and shook my head. He came closer and hugged me, and I just kept on weeping. He kissed me on the forehead as if I am his long lost son and said “Sabarlah nak, semua ini bukan kerja kita lagi. Redhalah nak… redha lah. Mengucap nak, mengucap. Ikut saya mengucap”. And we both in unison recited the proclamation of faith that there is only one God and that Muhammad is his Prophet. He then said that my family and him will be reading the Ya’asin outside while they proceeded with my execution. I never thought of that. Reading the Ya’asin for a man condemn to death not by disease nor by some freak accident. Condemn to death by a system that does not work. A system that have failed to single me out as innocent.

I knew that there was nothing that I can do. These people are going to kill me, and there is nothing I can do. I don’t know how to explain the feeling. I feel so helpless. I am going to be killed for a crime I never committed. Yet I am supposed to accept it as my fate? I am supposed to “Redha”? I ask god if this is what he meant by his test. If this was a test, I have failed for sure, because in all my acceptance and in all my repentance, I have not come to “Redha” my fate. I can’t. My life will to be taken away from me, and I can’t accept that.

They walked me out of my cell, and we slowly made our way to the execution-chamber just next to the cells. The cell was again loud with shouts from all the inmates, and this time even the guards could not quench the cry.

I was brought into a brightly lit room with a large black curtain in front of it. I thought that the room would be a lot bigger. It was quite cramped and the black curtain hides a screen; and the people that will be watching me die. In the middle of the room was the gallows. There was a triangular piece of wood that looks almost like a bench under the gallows.

The guard said that he is going to cover my head now. I looked at him and asked him his name. He looked at the Warden. I said that I am going to die, who am I going to tell his name to? The Warden nodded his approval. The guard said his name was Muhammad. I smiled. I said that if there was anyone that I wanted to kill me, perhaps Muhammad is the best person. I found comfort in his name, but then I am a man about to die in the next few minutes. I would probably try to find comfort in anything.

My legs felt very weak as Muhammad covered my head. They carried me forward, and I knew why they had the piece of wood under the gallows. It was to support me so I could stand upright. I felt someone placing the noose around my head. Its leather rubbed against my neck as they slid it into position. I can’t stop crying, and I could hear them saying “Mengucap, mengucap, mengucap”.

I am angry. Angry at the fact that I am going to die.

I was so angry that the rage in my head no longer have an enemy. I no longer know who to blame or who to hate. I wanted so much to blame God. He did this to me. He is the reason that I am going to die! And in that fraction of a second I finally understood what the Ustaz was trying to tell me. “Redha lah” … Accept it. I realized now what I am supposed to accept. God if I accept this, will you pay me with heaven in return? Will you let me grace heaven’s door for accepting my fate as a man of religion? Will you?

Then there was a crash, like a thousand whip cracked all at the same time as I struggled to regain my footing, the floor gave way and I felt like I fell for eternity, and finally it was all silent…

(Zed's Note: I read the first few comments to this story and decided to add this. Before you guys think that I am off the cliff or something I'd better give this story some context! Okay, this was written quite a while back. I was at Pudu Jail, in the execution chamber and they had a play-by-play of the last morning a person goes through as he is brought into the room and hanged. I have always wondered what goes through a man's head as he walks into this room. Perhaps it's morbid, or even despicable but as a country we have decided that it is acceptable to hang a person to death. Many have died at the end of this rope, and some or maybe only one - just one person; is truly innocent. How would he have felt as he goes through the last final moments of his life?

Actually we will never know. Anyway, this is just another one of my stories as I continue to experiment with this medium of telling tales. If it has disturbed you, then I am sorry. If it did not, then perhaps I have failed?)

Blogology 101: An Introduction to Blogs

So you want to be a blogger?

Are you sure? Have you given this enough thought? Have you done your homework and understand the implications of being a blogger? Are you prepared to make the sacrifice? Do you know what it takes to live the live of a blogaholic? If you answered no to any of the questions I asked, now is a good time to get out of this class. Otherwise, welcome.

Welcome to Blogology 101.

This class does not involve dissecting frogs, human anatomy or the study of the reproductive systems. That would be Biology 101.

In this class, as some of you probably have heard, attendance is optional, updating your blogs mandatory and a final result at the end of the semester inevitable. You will get what you put into this class, and I shall not be the one trying to force you to learn. This is a 2 credit hour class and it is on every Monday and Wednesday at 10.00am. As long as there is one person in the class, I shall begin my lectures and as there are never any handouts, and quizzes are always done through the blog you are welcomed to decide on your attendance. It is only a pass or fail elective class, so this class shall not have a big impact on your grades.

All of your scores will be based through quizzes and how frequent you update your blog. So remember a stale blog, is a failing blogger.

So, lets get started. First what is Blogology?

Blogology is the study of the blogosphere ecosystem, understanding bloggers within, and creating an alternate lifestyle in the virtual domain of comment boxes and incessant blog entries. Blogology is also about having a good blog, and increasing the visibility of your blogs. Note that I said visibility, this means the number of hits you get, and the number of visitors to your blog. If you decide to go commercial, then you shall have to attend our next class Blogology 201: The Commercialization Of Blogs

Today, we shall discuss the basics of blogging.

I shall provide you with several tips to get you started, and from then you have the rest of the class to get started with your blogs, and make your first few steps in this brand new world. In case you don't know how a blog looks like, now is a good time to flip through a few of the sites that is in the favorites folder of the PC in front of you. Just go ahead an open any sites you like and browse through. Tell me what you see?

What is a blog? Blogs are expressions. An expression made on a site to reflect an opinion, a state of mind or simply some people's way of looking for attention. Bloggers are people who express themselves in many ways. Some through pictures, some via graphics on their sites, and others in words sharing their thoughts and emotions.

The basic beginning of a blog is that it expresses something, it doesn't matter what, but it is one thought, idea, emotion, even opinion being expressed on one end, and you receiving it on the other.

Okay, lets move on. The following are some guidelines that would help you get started and also aid in your blogging days ahead.

1. Have a blog, write a blog.
Blogging is for everybody. It doesn't really matter what you write, of if your English is good or bad, or if you write in Malay, Chinese or any language that you prefer. But what is important is that you say something. Anything. One word, one page or a even single picture it does not matter. When you blog, often its an outlet for you to vent, or a platform for you to say something. Go ahead and spill.

There are many reasons to blog, but one result is inevitable. When you have a blog, even if it is meant for family and friends – it is out in the world wide web, so anyone may be able to drop by your site. This in itself limits what you could publish on your blog and creates the self-governance nature of blogs. If you don’t want the whole world to see your face, perhaps you may want to go anonymous. However, this may not allow you to rise to become a really popular blog as people have a tendency to relate to faces and individuals rather then an icon on a blog.

2. If you want some, you gotta give some
This is an interesting notion. As one writes, one seeks to find readers that would drop by their site and read.

How do you get people to read your blog?

Well if they don’t know of your site, how would they drop by? So some blog-trolling is required here. Most of your visitors will drop by your site following your link from comments you dropped in their site or some other blog sites. So unless you drop your comment in other blogs, not many would know of your existence. You comments then becomes like an advertisement of your site.

It would help if you could find yourself a blogger-hub. A blogger-hub is one of the blog that already has many visitors that drops by and comment. It usually has comments amounting up to the thirties for each of its entries.

Drop a comment and also follow the links in this site, read the blog and drop a comment on the blogs that you’ve read. Then follow the links on the blogs that you have visited and keep repeating the same process - this is blog-trolling. This have been the modus operandi of many successful bloggers out there. (Zed’s Note: Which includes a cat recently let loose on the blog. You could see him everywhere! LOL) It only takes a few weeks to let the blogging community know of your existence, and once the word is out you will inevitably get quite a number of bloggers dropping by.

However, just a point to remember. Most bloggers look at comments as reciprocating visits, so if you stop reading their blogs and no longer leave comments, they might just stop dropping by your site too!

3. If you want 'em them to stay, you gotta give 'em a reason
No one wants to return to a blog that has not been updated for weeks, so update your blog kids.

4. The kind of audience you have depends on the kind of things you say
Blogs are not unlike the person behind it. If you are an obnoxious little runt, guess what people of the same kind would relate to what you have to say, while others are turned off by your offensive remarks. Hence, while some might drop by once in a while out of curiosity, most would just leave.

However, blogs is NOT an attempt to please other bloggers, as it is YOUR expression. Be as you like, just remember that it is not without recrimination. Freedom of speech is a double edged sword. If you must have an opinion, then you must also be ready to read about others that disagrees with you.

One more thing.

If you are a hot babe, and is looking to increase your hits – remember that sex sells. Sex have always sold, and will never stop selling. So slap your blog with your picture and go around the blog dropping comments with your face as your icon. Believe me, your hit counter will thank you!

And so will we bloggers.

5. Beware the black-hole of blogs
Blogging is a unique manner to escape yourself in. Its escapism not unlike alcohol and drugs. It builds its own world around you, and you could get high in this world for as long as you like. Blogging is addictive, so once you’re hooked and is officially a blogaholic, you have to learn to live with this new addiction of yours.

You will wake up in the morning with this urge to update your blog, and start your blog-surfing reading what other blogaholics like yourself have posted on their blog. You will fantasize about how great your blog is and what you could do to improve it. You will suddenly know what HTML is and begins to learn how to tweak your site.

Just remember if you already have no life, blogging may seem a great way to entertain yourself. Guess what? It is!

6. Keep blogging for only as long as you keep having fun
Blogging is supposed to be fun. When it stops being fun, then it is a good time for you to consider stopping too. There is no such thing as a serious blogger, leave that to wannabe’s who has this illusion that how great they are is determined by the stat counter on their site.

7. Don’t forget to update your blog before your next class!

In the next session we will learn about how to make for a blog worth reading. There are many ways to keep your audience coming back, and we will explore the different medium of expressing oneself, all the way from humor to good ol’ plain ranting.

I hope you enjoy the ride!

If life was so short, then why do we bother so much?
Zed Ezekiel

If I had to choose between the roller coaster ride of life and the one way ticket on a train going straight into the ground with the path of life all planned and executed, I would have to admit that the train is obviously an attractive option. I would love to be able to say that we could plan for life. We could save money, we could build our dream home, or buy the car that we lust for. But here is the deal, irregardless of how well we plan, how trouble-proof our blueprint for life is – life will throw you about nonetheless.

I have always thought that I got into the roller-coaster, as if I had a choice and I chose to hop into the ride and take on the climbs and drops of life. Alas, I was a fool to believe that I had the luxury of choice. How arrogant of me. We could plan all we want, but then life will throw a spanner in the works, and our well laid out plans will be topsy-turvy just as it was meant to be.

No, I didn’t ask for the ride, it was forced upon me.

There I was minding my own business bustling along just like everyone else, and then it came, swoop me into a loop; and expects me to smile while it drops me a hundred feet into a twirl leaving my heart hanging in my throat. We never know when the ride is going to be, but I know for certain that every climb has a drop. As we face our demons, we often think that it is the biggest challenge of our life, well tell that to the people in Pakistan whose children was crushed by crumbling buildings, how about that boy in Iraq who was beaten because he looked scary, or the friend of yours who has everything he ever wanted in the world except for a child of his own, or the little twelve years old cousin who lost her parents in an accident? We all have our own rides, it may differ in magnitude but to each and every one of us it is our reason to bitch and rant about.

I personally think that we should continue to rant. It is a very healthy way of bringing to light our own issues, and perhaps out in the open we will realize that it wasn’t such a big deal after all.

Often as I sit across a person, looking into their eyes and trying to seek what is it that makes them tick, I envy the superficial beings the most. How beautiful life must be for them. Oh my make-up is smudged, my shoes is dirty, my PDA is bigger then your PDA, my car is faster then your car, oh how beautiful to be able to equate life to immaterial wealth and beauty. This would have made life so much less complicated. How I wish I could just take this head of mine off, give it a good kick and put it back on minus the thoughts that constantly whirl around asking never ending questions.

Life can be superficial, and superficial is good. It is simple. It is quick and dirty. It has a beginning and an end.

But with such a naive view of life, I ask myself where is the color? Where is the depth that brings to bear the notion of god? Of good and evil? Of leadership and substance? Of love and hate? Of caring for someone so much that one would sacrifice a lifetime, just to be a part and never apart?

Where would all these be if life was about this shiny new watch? I beseech my self for my callousness in seeking the shallow waters of life, and as tempting as it is just be rich and vain, I need more. All the wealth I have, the house, the car and the blinking goods have not silenced the questions ringing constantly in my head. It wasn’t about what I have to show apparently, it was about not showing what I have. It was about humility. It was about being subservient to a being much greater then my mind could ever comprehend.

No, I didn’t choose the roller coaster after all. The roller coaster chose me.

Is it time to lose weight again? Damn!

Is there actually anything new to say about losing weight? Seriously, haven’t every dietician, health guru, and a whole bunch of scientist with lab rats on running-wheels spoken and provided every insights possible to this issue? Well the difference is, that this account is from my personal experience of fighting fat. A first-hand view of the hand-to-hand combat in this ensuing saga, as one looks down and hope to see some toes.

Not too long ago I lost 17 kgs or about 37 lbs in about six months. However, since then much to my dismay I have gained about 7 kgs of it back. Just to make matters worst, in the zeal of losing weight I excitedly altered all my pants, and now I am stuck with seven pair of pants which I no longer fit in.

So here I am – huffing and puffing my way back into my own pants.

Friends sometimes ask how I lost the weight in the first place, so here is my story. I started off with a diet program called VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet), which is a just fancy name for not eating! It probably is the best approach if you are trying to lose weight rapidly, except for one small problem. I will guarantee you a visit to the hospital in about two months. You see when we stop eating, we send our body into hormonal hell, along with other sorts of deficiency as the body adjusts and try to make do with what little nourishment it gets. I landed in the hospital sick, as my immune system said screw you and decided to stop fighting simple infections like the flu.

Next I tried the infamous protein diet, again a fancy name for “stop eating rice you dodo”. You see carbohydrate is the body’s happy food. Carbohydrate is turned into sugar for your brain, and is also the source for the hormones which makes you smile in the morning. Take this out, and guess what? You are not only fat, but also crappy and grumpy – not the kind of recipe you would want to go to the office with.

However, as a result of this aggressive diet, coupled with lots of cardio exercise and muscle building I was shedding pounds like a wet baboon jumping up and down shaking its own hair off! Everyday the scales was smiling at me, and then it struck. I got sick again, this time for much longer then before. The zest of burning calories and stoking the body with complex food like protein got to me. Again the immune system decided to call it quits.

After six months I felt like an instant hit, I may have fallen sick twice but I also lost a lot of weight! So what is the downside then?

Any method to losing weight that is not incorporated into our lifestyle is temporary. The thousand ringgit you spend to enroll in the slimming clinic or the gym will end up as fines you have to pay every few years when you realized that you have to fight the fat again. This does not have to be the case as I am learning now.

Is there peace then, in this on-going battle of the bulge?

As accumulating fat takes time, it would be reasonable to expect that shedding it should also take some time. Our society’s enthusiasm for instant gratification is the root to this yo-yo diet lifestyle. We all want to look good instantly, yet it took us years to accumulate the mass that we carry around. All of us expects to get thin in two months, but spent two decades getting fat.

Now lets have a look at our lifestyle. How much do we eat, against how much do we walk? No not working out, not running, just walk? See, losing weight is the net effect of consuming less then the calories we use everyday. When we use more energy then we eat, the body will have to revert to the lard stored in the fat cells and start burning them off. That is it. That is all there is to losing weight.

Finally here’s some tips to pave the way should you choose to lose some weight, none of which is new but while grossly oversimplified, I find that it does the trick. Otherwise, while Fat may be the new Black, but from what I have heard about our hospitals asking money up front before they fix you up, there better be enough dough in the coffers when you drop on the ground clutching your chest gasping for air.

1. Don’t be hungry!

This is the worst. The hungrier you get, the more likely you are to cave and binge. Eat regularly but in smaller amounts. Go ahead and snack. The trick is to replace those yummy bars of chocolate with something a bit healthier. Don’t throw that chocolate out yet, just take a smaller dose of it with something else; and munch away. Try to eat as many as six times a day – in smaller amounts. Also get on the multi-vitamins trail. Once you reduce your food intake, supplementing your diet helps to ensure that the body gets the right amount of nutrition it needs.

2. Walk

Yes, walk. Park your car a bit further then necessary and walk (Zed’s Note: And don’t forget to copy down the number on the pillar, just in case you lose your way finding your car later!), also wake up a bit earlier in the morning and start walking for about 20 mins. Take your time. Don’t try too hard, what is important is that you do it often and consistently.

Remember, we are changing a lifetime of being a slave to food and comfy beds – this ain’t no small matter!

3. Patience

As with anything worth having, it is also worth waiting for. Don’t forget to check the scales as frequently as you can. It can be a lot of fun to see the results of what you are doing.

No, you probably will not look like Angelina Jolie next month, but over time - with that slow and steady reduction, your body will get healthier, and you will feel much better! There is no other good reason to lose weight other then to feel better about oneself. If there is, then I don’t think you should worry about the weight, it’s the head that needs checking.

That’s it. That is all there is to fighting and winning the battle against fat. The only question is can you wait? I ask myself this all the time as I wake up every morning, and curse the damn love-handles.

Humanity i love you

because you would rather black the boots of
sucess than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarassing for both
parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard
Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush your pride keeps
you from the pawn shop and
because you are continually commitings
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
lifer in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down
on it
and because you are
always making poems in the lap
of death Humanity
i hate you

e.e. cummings, La Guerre, II, 1925

Well e.e. cummings needs an introduction. A legendary poet in his own right he is popular from the 1920’s all the way to his death in 1962. The way his poems play with language (you will notice a few misspelled words in the poem above), and their simplistic view of the world gives them a unique character. Love poems and satirical squibs are Cumming’s favored forms. The way he writes, I believe that if Cummings was still alive today he would be one heck of an HTML programmer! By the way reading Cummings sometimes do remind me of another present day blogger with his own unique style.

(Zed’s Note: Yes MIV I mean You! LOL)

I chose this poem today because it could mean so many things to so many people. That is the beauty of poetry, everyone is allowed an interpretation. What a poem means to you is exactly what a poem means. What Cummings had in mind was perhaps a satirical view of war but in my mind it speaks about the selfishness of everyone of us. Always pointing to others not realizing that we ourselves are often guilty of hurting those that loves us without ever realizing it.

You’ll notice by now that I enjoy poems, artsy-pansy stuff and of course rambling on and on about irrelevant thoughts that sometimes cross my mind. Anyway, this time I want it to be all about you. I just want to be closer to you. Yes you, you the one reading these words right now. 

Yes I mean you. No, no need to look behind you, there is no one there.

Come. Come take a sit right here next to me. Sit, please go ahead - sit and get comfy.

Are you comfortable? Would you like another cushion? How’s your drink? Is it just the way you like it? Are you relaxed? Okay, that’s good…

...

...

...

So tell me, what is it that brings you here today? What thoughts did you feel like sharing with me today? What was it that went through your mind that made you feel like you have to share? Was it scary? Did it make you happy? Or perhaps did it make you sad?

No, no don’t worry there is nothing to be ashamed about. We are all human. We all feel, we all hurt, it is just that sometimes we have to put up a brave front, but don’t worry we all feel the same way. Sometimes it is difficult to share our feelings because we are afraid of what people might say, but hey! They too are feeling the same way, and their childish ignorance shows in their eyes if you know when to look. It’s okay, there is nothing to be afraid of here.

So go ahead, tell me all about it. I am here, and I am not going anywhere until you are done, I promise. It's okay you can take your time - I'll wait for as long as you want me to.